Revenge - Goals of Behavior

Revenge is a tricky behavior. It’s one that is easy to take personally because it often hurts others. However, many times when kids are acting out revenge seeking, they can actually be trying to show you how bad they feel and don’t intend to hurt you intentionally (though that’s not always true). In this video, we’ll unpack this behavior and look at ways you can help to redirect them. We’ll also explore how to connect with the core issue to help resolve this so it doesn’t keep happening.

This is a behavior that will very likely need some limits set and, as I’ve mentioned previously, the most effective way to do that is by using the ACT model. Here is a link to a video on that:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RaY1_crnowM

Here is a link to the chart I’ve referenced throughout this series:

https://www.positivediscipline.com/sites/default/files/mistakengoalchart2020.pdf

Photo by Tatiana Rodriguez on Unsplash

Power Struggles - Goals of Behavior

What does it mean when your kids get into power struggles with you? What’s the best way to respond so it doesn’t just keep going and going?

I think there’s a good chance that boarding schools were invented because of this! Getting into power struggles with your kids can be so exhausting that it can make you just want to send them away. But what if there was a way to use the power struggle to get to the real issue? What if this conflict is actually a key for you to access parts of your child that may not be available when things are calm?

Let’s take a deeper look at this and how to bring some resolution that creates lasting change.

Here are links to the resources I mentioned in the video:

https://www.positivediscipline.com/sites/default/files/mistakengoalchart2020.pdf

Playing with Your Family Can Change Everything

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NfWybStlRug

Organizing Feelings

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Uaexg9fw80A

The ACT Model

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RaY1_crnowM

Image by <a href="https://pixabay.com/users/mnanni-40965/?utm_source=link-attribution&amp;utm_medium=referral&amp;utm_campaign=image&amp;utm_content=176645">mnanni</a> from <a href="https://pixabay.com/?utm_source=link-attribution&amp;utm_medium=referral&amp;utm_campaign=image&amp;utm_content=176645">Pixabay</a>

Demonstration of the ACT Model

Have you you've ever wondered what it could be like to set limits and discipline kids without a lot of drama? Here’s a demonstration of how the flow of using the ACT Model could look. It takes practice to be able to flow with this and know what to say, so give yourself some time and practice to get used to it.

These are some ideas I keep in mind to help me stay on track:

Always keep the alternatives connected to what you want to have happen

• How do you WANT them to talk to you

• Ex: "You can choose to tell me you're mad or that you don't like it"

• How do you WANT them to deal with angry feelings

• Ex: “You can choose to tear this cardboard or break these popsicle sticks”

• What do you WANT them to be doing now

• Ex: "You can choose to put on one shoe and hop to the car or carry your shoes to the car to put them both on inside”

I try to offer two choices, so that I increase the chance of compliance but if you only have one, it's fine. Move on afterward, don't restart the fight or stay engaged in a battle.

Think of a few things to use for an ultimate limit if they refuse to choose or keep engaging in the negative behavior. It works best to keep the ultimate limit connected to what happened and for it to last less than 24 hours. (The more immediate, the better!)

• “If you choose to keep shooting me, you choose to give up the guns for today”

• “If you choose to throw the remote, you choose to give up tv for today”

• “If you choose to break that, you choose to take a time out”

If you missed the description of what the ACT Model is and how it works, here is the video:

Discipline and Limits Through Choices - The ACT Model

Years ago, I was finishing a session with a boy who wanted to choose a candy. At that time, we had some suckers available for kids to take. Every time, he and I went through a routine that was the same. He would say “today I want to choose 2” and I would say “I can tell you wish you could choose more but here you can choose your best one (and then I switched to the whisper technique)* or you can choose none.”

On this day, he said “I’m taking them all!” And he did. He ran out the door and into their SUV and locked the door with a fistful of suckers! Now what?!? Is today the day that play therapy will fail?

In this video, I’d like to introduce you to the ACT model. It is, by far, the best way I’ve found for helping kids make choices that reinforce limits and boundaries without needing to use intensity to get there.

I never recommend something I haven’t used myself with success. This is a model I’ve seen work over and over again, helping to produce good character and impulse control in kids and helping to de-escalate conflicts overall. I’ve seen it work in therapy sessions, in families, in schools and even in Target!

Here are some additional resources you can take a look at:


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VX1kGm2ousc
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RfAGZkrmHw8


https://www.equineconnectioncounseling.com/blog/for-parents-caregivers-a-c-t-limit-setting

https://creatingbranches.com/2016/09/30/act-limit-setting-for-children/


 

You are free to share any of this with anyone you think it may help. 
 

Take good care of each other and yourselves out there!

The Three R's - Flipping Your Lid 3

Even the most well meaning person can make things worse if they approach a stressed out person in a way that increases the stress! I remember a child once told me “I don’t want another person to tell me it’s ok and not to be scared of my room…I just need a person to be in there with me!” The truth is, we’ve all done that. We’ve all had times we missed the cues. Let’s look at a way you can match your approach to the way a person’s brain actually deals with stress. This will help you get much better results!

In this video, I’m going to show you a model called The 3 R’s from Dr. Bruce Perry and match it up with the other models we’ve already looked at. This has been so helpful for me, as a counselor and parent, to know what to do and when to do it.

Here’s a video from Dr Perry where he touches briefly on regulation and connects it to being in the window of tolerance.

Window of Tolerance - Flipping Your Lid 2

Once, when one of my sons was upset I tried to comfort him, but nothing was working. It was actually making it worse! No matter what I said or did it just escalated further. What the heck was going on?

At that moment, no degree, certification or letters after my name made any difference.

Most of us mean well, but it’s easy to miss the cues. Our kids may already be at a place where words and relational gestures will just cause a bigger issue. Or maybe you’ve felt like that yourself when others have tried to help you? Either way, let’s take a look at what’s called the “window of tolerance” to get an idea of when to help, how to do that and when to give space.

Although this graphic is aimed at trauma- this applies to stress in general.