I have a junk drawer where every random key, bit of wire or disconnected adapter goes. I’m so used to it being cluttered, I have never even thought of ways to sort it. I just live with it in chaos. Many of us live like that with our feelings. We get used to chaotic thoughts and emotions swirling around in us.

When kids feel this chaotic on the inside, they can end up lashing out at anyone nearby. It can feel like a small thing to label someone else’s feelings and experiences, but just like the junk drawer, it can help create order from chaos and start self-regulation. Many times, kids intentionally seek out help to organize their chaotic thoughts and feelings, but we miss the cue and interpret it as a need to solve their problem.

The real key here is creating in your child the sense that they are not alone. That comes through joining with them and connecting to what is happening. It doesn't mean dropping everything 100% of the time to cater to their feelings; sometimes that's just not possible. However, there are ways you can be with your child even when you can’t devote undivided attention. There may be times you say, “I can see this is frustrating right now, and we have to get to school. You might feel like I’m frustrated too, and it’s because I’m trying to get us in the car. Let’s go ahead and get in and then we can come back to how this is for you.”

This leads us to something called “congruence”, but we’ll pause here for now and save congruence for another day.

Photo by ☼☼Jo Zimny Photos☼☼ on Foter.com / CC BY-NC-ND