Small Tools That Make a Big Difference

This is the start of a new series looking at some small things you can do that will really improve your effectiveness as a parent.

I used to have a big vinyl record collection. I was fascinated by how so much sound could come from such a small groove in vinyl. I was really impacted too, by how the only place that made any sound on the record was the very spot the needle touched it. A tiny pinpoint produced all that sound. If I removed the needle, the sound stopped. I can only hear what it plays right now, in this moment. Not what it has played already or even what it will play. Only right now.

Parenting has a similar element. The only place you and I can make an impact is in this very moment, right now. It’s very easy to get stuck in your own head and not interact with reality (the here and now). You can interact with your own thoughts and feelings, but it may have no effect at all on reality in this moment. I’ve had plenty of conversations in my mind that have never produced any real change!

In this video, I want to show you the most powerful tool I have ever encountered for making the most impact in any relationship.

Photo by James Sutton on Unsplash

Difficult Conversations: Making An Apology That Makes a Difference

Let’s be honest. You and I are both going to make a lot of mistakes along the way in parenting. It can leave you feeling powerless, foolish and looking for a good blanket to hide under. Research shows that making apologies can make a huge difference in the relationship and ends up creating so many benefits. So why do so many parents avoid doing it? I think it’s because what we think of as an apology often feels very ineffective and incongruent. Let’s take a look at a way to do it that can not only make a repair but also model the values of empathy and taking responsibility.

Photo by Brett Jordan on Unsplash

Difficult Conversations: What To Do If You Don't Know What To Do!

There are so many times I’ve found myself in a situation where I have no idea how to respond. My mind goes, blank, I feel a tight squeeze in my body and time seems to stand still! Sometimes this happens when I hear something I didn’t expect, feel pressure to have a good answer or am confronted with values and ideas that are so different than mine. Here are a few ideas that have really helped me over the years!

Photo by Mishal Ibrahim on Unsplash

Being Congruent: De-escalate By Making Your Inside and Outside Match

Sometimes it’s hard to tell what someone is feeling or thinking by looking at them. Even when there is emotional intensity, people sometimes hide or disguise their interior and appear very different on the outside. This can cause a lot of confusion and usually leads to escalation. Today, we’re going to take a look at the idea of congruence and how it can really help when you are having a difficult conversation with your kids.

Photo by Leo Rivas on Unsplash

Difficult Conversations: Should I Help My Child or Let Them Figure It Out?

This is part two of the Difficult Conversations series. Today we’ll take a look at how to decide whether you should take an active role in helping out your child or let them resolve it themselves.

When I see kids struggling, my first instinct is to want to help.
Maybe you are the same?

It feels satisfying to offer help. You can feel good about helping them really achieve something or see their effort turn out how they want it. Sometimes though, it can actually hinder kids from developing their own sense of independence and self sufficiency.

So how do you tell the difference?

That's exactly what I want to take a look at in this next video!

Photo by Filip Urban on Unsplash

Helplessness- Goals of Behavior

Helplessness can make any parent feel like they’ve lost their grip on reality. It can be hard to tell the difference between when kids actually can’t do something and when it’s something else. Even if you can tell, what do you do when they act this way? Let’s unpack this one and look at what a child’s goals are with this behavior as well as some ways to work with them.

This behavior often leads to shutting down, or hypoarousal. If you’d like more information about that, I have series here:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iLg-oL0ldZA&list=PL2QfEA-FtoO6iOcBstt9_TB7AufSjsTfL

My hope with these videos is to create an online resource library that families can use at home. Although it doesn't replace the work you can do with a counselor, they can help you gain some insight into the dynamics between you and your kids. You are free to share any of this with anyone you think it may help. 
 

See you soon,

Jason

Photo by Torsten Dederichs on Unsplash

A Holiday Tradition from My Family to You

I wanted to share something with you that has brought a lot of richness to my life.

Telling The Story of the Year

Each year, my family tells a long story on New Years Day. We gather up some good snacks, family photos and begin to look back at our experiences as we tell “The Story of the Year”. This story uses everyone as the narrator and often one person initiates it. Sometimes it gets started by someone’s reaction to a photo. Sometimes someone just recalls something they want to share. We tell this story collaboratively a month at a time until we’ve worked through the year. By the end, there are often some clear threads or themes of what we experienced and how we thought about it that we reflect on after the story. For us, this has great influence on the coming year and how we respond to what we heard.

This is a way to give everyone a voice and show great value to each family member’s experience. This video described it in a bit more detail.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to you all!

Photo by Chad Madden on Unsplash