communication

Flipping Your Lid 5 - Putting It All Together

Flipping Your Lid 5 - Putting It All Together

There's a lot of nuance that can happen in the moment. You'll have to decide if you're seeing watchdog (fight/flight) or possum (freeze/collapse) kind of behaviors and adjust things accordingly. In this video, we'll take a look at an example of "collapse" and helping get the lid back.

Games to Help Recover a Flipped Lid - Flipping Your Lid 4

Games to Help Recover a Flipped Lid - Flipping Your Lid 4

These games aren't merely "distractions" but are useful for helping the brain to reset and feel safe enough to get it's lid back. These are co-regulating, just like when you soothe a baby by using yourself to calm their overwhelmed nervous system. One important note- don't try these without understanding when to use them. If you haven't seen the previous videos in the "Flipping Your Lid" series, make sure to watch those first.

Window of Tolerance - Flipping Your Lid 2

Once, when one of my sons was upset I tried to comfort him, but nothing was working. It was actually making it worse! No matter what I said or did it just escalated further. What the heck was going on?

At that moment, no degree, certification or letters after my name made any difference.

Most of us mean well, but it’s easy to miss the cues. Our kids may already be at a place where words and relational gestures will just cause a bigger issue. Or maybe you’ve felt like that yourself when others have tried to help you? Either way, let’s take a look at what’s called the “window of tolerance” to get an idea of when to help, how to do that and when to give space.

Although this graphic is aimed at trauma- this applies to stress in general.

Although this graphic is aimed at trauma- this applies to stress in general.

Family Survival Kit - part 4 - Expressing Stress and Frustrations

Family Survival Kit - part 4 - Expressing Stress and Frustrations

One of the reasons I emphasize fun so much, is that when families get stressed out and stop having fun, they also stop connecting and tend to retreat into their separate corners. That leads to more stress and heightens other issues (depression anxiety, etc) which circles around and causes more disconnectedness and more stress. Having fun together as a family can break this cycle and give you resilience against stress.

What Does Angry and Aggressive Play Mean?

I spend a lot of days getting put in jail, pretending to negotiate standoffs, battling monsters and villains. This is all part of kids processing feelings and experiences of anger, revenge, powerlessness (or figuring out how to be powerful). Does aggressive play mean kids will become more aggressive? How can you tell if it’s going too far? Should you let them do it?

Here’s my latest video helping to unpack what kinds of things happen in kids’ play.

Photo by Lavi Perchik on Unsplash

Label their goals

Label their goals

When you label what your kids are after, you put a concrete definition on the next steps (implicitly or explicitly). “you really want my attention”, “you want him to hurt just like you do”, “you got mad when I said it’s time to stop the game”.

Maybe it seems kind of dumb to say this, because you think it. And you think they are thinking it. But what if they aren’t? What if it’s just a tangled ball of intensity and not much definition? By giving it some definition, you’re helping your kids make connections between how they feel and what they do, and THAT’S how you start to see behaviors change! This is literally the start of taking ownership.