Labeling is something play therapists do all day long. We label EVERYTHING that kids do in a session.

It almost sounds like sports commentary.

Very often, this is one of the first things I talk to families about starting at home. It feels like a baby step, but it’s actually a huge deal. By adding this information, we’re “tagging” and “flagging” a child’s experiences, just like a search engine does with keywords. This process begins to build associations and insight in them (and you!).

 “So this would be a way to teach my kids responsibility too?!?”

Yep.

 When you label what your kids are after, you put a concrete definition on the next steps (implicitly or explicitly). “you really want my attention”, “you want him to hurt just like you do”, “you got mad when I said it’s time to stop the game”.

 Maybe it seems kind of dumb to say this, because you are thinking it to yourself. And you think they are thinking it. But what if they aren’t? What if it’s just a tangled ball of intensity and not much definition? By giving it some definition, you’re helping your kids make connections between how they feel and what they do, and THAT’S how you start to see behaviors change! This is literally the start of taking ownership and gaining mastery over big feelings and fast impulses.

I’ve had countless sessions with siblings where one accidentally (ok, I’m being generous here, because sometimes it isn’t accidental!) hurts the other one. Maybe they clunk heads or someone gets their toes stepped on and the next thing you know, all their fury is unleashed! You see them grabbing foam swords and pretending to skewer their sibling (or sometimes trying to actually do it!), shoot them with a dart gun or hammer them with a hammer…you get the idea.

If I go with what comes “naturally” to me as a person/parent it goes like this:

“What are you doing?!? You know better than that! Stop it right now!”

And this will result in an escalation. My kiddo will have to rise up against me to justify his revenge.

So here’s another way…same scenario:

“You didn’t like it when she clunked heads with you and now you want her to hurt like you hurt”

“YEAH! And she doesn’t even care!”

“Sounds like you want her to show you she does?” or “sounds like you wish she did?”

(cue sister making an apology in the best of all worlds!)

Let’s unpack this a bit more. What is this kid’s goal? It’s revenge of course, but in a way, it’s forced empathy. He wants her to feel his pain so she will be sorry. It would sure be a lot easier if she just could empathize and say sorry and demonstrate concern and care! It would also be easier if he could tell her what his feelings and needs are, like saying “That hurt and I don’t want to play with you if you’re going to hurt me.” However, his actions say that he’s not sure she cares, so he is going to force her to pay attention to his needs by making her literally feel his pain. Ultimately, it would be ideal if he could see a bigger picture and know this was potentially an accident, but that won’t happen until he can resolve that the relationship is safe and she does care for him.

What happened here is this…the child now knows what is driving their behavior (anger/revenge) and there is a goal (repair, re-establish safety) that will help them both mature. This takes a lot of repetition to become established in their brain, but it pays off when your external voice becomes internalized in them! Later on, this becomes how kids learn to draw boundaries and set appropriate limits with others. You can be setting limits in any situations like the one I mentioned, but we’ll come to that soon! That’s another topic.